Here's a little thing I'm probably gonna start doing at the end of each year...why??? Because this is my opportunity to reflect, share, and such. 2009, We have our first African American President...and at the same time our first mixed race President. Amazing how that works. Jobs went down the hole along with money and sanity and all that fun stuff that goes with a "recession" . On the bright side, the city of Cincinnati had two reasons to celebrate. The UC Football team went 12-0 and are heading to the sugar bowl to face the defending BCS champs Florida Gators and even though it was a shaky end of the season, the Cincinnati Bengals are the AFC North Champions for the first time since 2005 (RIP Chris Henry) . This year has been full of up's and downs and all arounds which will leave the question...what's next for 2010? Before I get into all that I wanna talk about my year. Most of it will be talking about the 2nd half of the year because that's when things got interesting. It'll be 3 parts. Everything else, relationships, and finally what's in store for 2010 so this may be long and drug out.

Now, this year has been a very interesting year for me and needless to say it will not go down as one of my favorites. The month of January was relatively uneventful. I was in Ohio, laid off, job hunting, and for the most part pretty bored. Febuary comes around and I get a call from my old company The Ginn Group and Bam! I'm back in business. Back in Georgia, working again for the government and all that fun stuff. Thing's were not too bad. Then laid off in April and that would be the last stable job I would hold until I started working with my dad in August-present (couple in between things not worth mentioning). Now I have to say, the biggest event to happen this year outside relationship stuff is the death of my Step brother Steve Lloyd. At first I remember being so mad and so unsympathetic towards it because I do consider suicides weaklings but I have to take into consideration that his live wasn't perfect. He was always having some sort of relationship trouble and lost both of his parents in a 12 month span. Even though I disagree with the action he took, I no longer have any sort of hate for him in my heart. I forgave him for the incident with my brother and hope that God is willing to forgive and bring him home. Outside all of that, it's just been a year of barely making it by, job hunting, trying to help my dad and his business survive this recession and overall bettering myself.

The thing that made the last third of the year sorta suck was the separation of myself and Kat (now ex-girlfriend but still friend). I can go back and remember May 8th 2007, day one of the happiest 2 years of my life. It really was a dream that I made the huge mistake of taking for granted. From the very beginning she had a workload. I was not the most stable minded person in the world and she accepted that challenge and did the absolute best that she could do which was a great job. For the longest time, I figured I was a great boyfriend (and in many ways I was) but little by little I was wearing on her without me fully realizing it. Eventually it would come down to August 15th 2009...it finally happened. The wearing finally took it's toll (as well at thinking about 10 months of a distance relationship) and the relationship ended. To be honest, I'm not really sure what hit harder, the ending of the relationship or the realization that the reason behind the end of it was me. Even the few days after the relationship ended things we're still pretty good. We talked like ourselves and such and things we're not too bad. Then my head kinda went out of whack and kept bugging her about why we ended why we ended and she never gave a straight answer. I thought initially she was hiding something until a couple months later it finally sunk in...it was me. She told me it was a mutual thing and wouldn't give me a straight answer most likely figuring it would just cause more drama if she was forward with it. I think back...I was overly aggressive. Not in the abusing her way but just in my reactions to thing. I never hit her, I never cussed her out or belittled her or any of that. I was just very vocal and took out my frustrations in a not so great way (driving off, dwelling on things, etc) . I also somewhat held her down without realizing it. I would try to keep in contact and expected contact (though I got better about that with time) and really didn't give her room to breathe. I would get better as time went on but not well enough. It wasn't until we ended that it all sunk in and I finally realized that I needed to fix myself so in reality, even though it was the most painful thing...it was also the best thing. Nowadays I don't have nowhere near the aggression I used to have and I'm working to improve myself in every possible way.

Now this is for Kat if she's reading this. I know that things will never be the same and I know we'll most likely never be a couple again. The way you talk to me and about things is so different now and I know that's my doing. I want to be able to be at the very least a good friend to you. I know I put you through a lot and I know it was stressful. You helped me become a better person and believe it or not your still helping me become a better person. Leaving me was what it took for me to realize everything and forced me to improve upon myself. I honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart and more importantly...I'm sorry and hope I can earn your forgiveness for my pain in the assness and maybe one day you'll be comfortable enough to be yourself around me again as a friend.

Sorry bout all that. I had to get that bit out so I can move forward. 2009 was overall not my year. Lost the job, the apartment, the money and the girl...least I retained my car lol. I will say I am grateful for my dad taking me in and helping me get back on my feet. Now on to 2010. I'm going to be straight forward about this. 2010 will be MY year. I'm tired of saying I'm going to do thing and not do them. I'm tired of having to be drug around until I do something. This time I push myself. I Will finally get into school, I will get myself into shape, I will find employment and I will become the absolute best person I can possibly be. I will do all this for myself. 2009 taught me a lot and I will take what I've learned into this year. That is now the past, this is now and it is my F***ING time to do something and make my difference! Those who wanna come along for the ride, hope on because it's going to be a wild ride. For those who are moving in a different direction, thank you for the memories and I wish y'all the absolute best in whatever it is that you do. I control my destiny now and I will make use of every single moment. So with all that said....Lets ride!

Well boys and girls, I figured it was time to update the world in a not so depressing way. I know all my posts so far have been meh so...i figure i'll try to stray from that lol. At the moment, still looking for work, and very low on money... and got a cold but i'm keeping my head up. I'm currently working for my dad at his auto repair business, right way automotive. I work for food lol. I recently got my va benefits so free medical for me! Plus it looks like my gi bill is working so i'll be able to afford college so once a part time job hits i'll be able to start school finally! Outside all that, i've just been hangin out and trying to enjoy life. I'm just taking it a day at a time :) . Hope all is well with you all.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

(continued from part 1)... still a bit down, not very motivated and trying to figure things out. In reality, What i need is a good kick in the ass to motivate me and get me back on track. I know i can't let this whole thing kill me. I need to find my drive again. I'm writing this mostly to vent and maybe get advice. I'm not trying to gain sympathy, don't really want it. I just need purpose again. Any advice people?

There's nothing quite like doing a side by side comparison of today and a year ago (well a little over a year in my case) . Last year, life was almost perfect, even though i didn't see it at the time. I had a decent paying job as an army civilian contractor, my own place, new car, and an absolutely beautiful and awesome girlfriend. Yet i was ignorant. I chose to focus on the fact that i didn't like the state much or i'd have to wait for school or was homesick. I was always negative. It was pathetic. Then we fast forward to today, i still have my car (barely managing the payments) And thats about it. Job's gone, girl's gone and one can only ask themselves what happened? Maybe it's the price i pay for not being greatful for what I had. Now i'm out of the job still, alone and stuck. All parties have moved on except for me to a point. From what i can see, the girl is happy on her own which i am happy for because she deserves to be happy and that should motivate me to move on. Yet I sit here...(rest on part 2)

Well...this will be the final entry as far as the Sky and Kat roller coaster goes. I figure it's been written about enough and needs to finally be laid to rest. Throughout this past couple weeks, we've talked about life and falling out of love and all that. I've had anxiety attacks and until yesterday I was a complete mess, almost like I was possessed. I kept venting and venting towards her (not the cussing screaming kind) and I know it annoyed the crap out of her. I wouldn't let it rest because there was a part of me that still thought I could save it but....in reality I pretty much finished it off. Today, we met up at skyline, ate and talked about things. At first I was really nervous because it was like meeting her for the first time again. She has only known the Sky over text and phone these past couple months and that Sky caused a big mess so I guess part of me was hoping to go there and just fix things. Before I left for dayton, I asked her not to hold anything back and just to show how she honestly felt about things. I know part of me was thinking, I'm gonna see her, we're going to be happy to see each other and everything will be ok again...not quite the case. When I saw her and during that whole visit, I felt....nothing. I honestly felt the falling out of love thing was just a moment thing but I realized then and there that it was true. Seeing and feeling is believing. At first I was being nervous and speaking without thinking and all that but eventually I calmed down and we both became more comfortable with each other. Once that happened...I realized that we we're in fact just going to be friends from here on in. There we're no romantic vibes whatsoever and I know when she's hiding things...this time she wasn't . All in all though, today needed to happen. Now there is no doubt in my mind what we should do and as much as accepting such things hurts...there's also a sense of calm that comes with it. I finally have closure. Kat put it best, don't try to expect things or fix things or wish for the past, just let things be ok today. I'm very happy to have her as a friend and once the dust settles I'm sure we'll make great friends. We we're never friends before the relationship so it's an overall good thing. So as of today, we both are friends, we'll still keep in contact, and we both are moving forward in our individual lives. Once again, thank you for today and everyday Kat and good luck with all aspects of the future.

Well, I need to give a heads up right now. This is not going to be a happy entry, this is going to be me pretty much ranting how the past 7 days have been quite....well....undesirable. I know this wont be a very popular entry so hopefully I still have a certain friend or friends when this is said and done. I'm sorry in advance for those who this will upset and hope this wont cause any long term damage. I just really need to get this out (much better than some of the alt ways out there that people use) .

Alright, I'll begin by saying this. Most break ups have about 5 stages. At least one of the pair will go through all 5 while some are lucky enough to only have to deal with the first three. Step one, the break up itself, sad day, lots of crying and goodbyes. Step 2, the first couple days being sings aka the aftermath. The period of time in which both sides are still upset and coping in their own way. Step 3 is acceptance, you sit there and think...this was for the bet and begin to move forward (this is also the step where you try to decide if it's possible to be friends) . Step 4, questioning of acceptance/bitterness. Now this is by far the most complicated one. A million different questions come up as far as wondering  was it the right thing, is this person moving on quicker than I, could of some things been stopped, do you really want to be friends, so on and so forth and then you get frustrated and annoyed and all hell breaks loose inside your mind. While this is the most annoying state of them all, it's also normally the quickest (but can also be the most damaging if it's too bad). Finally, State 5 is full acceptance. You've finally realized that bitterness and all that is getting you nowhere and you have to move forward with your life, whether it's going your way or not. People get together and break up every single day. You'll find your one eventually.

I myself am on the tail end of stage 4 (thus the blog). I'm venting my frustrations out now so I maybe about to move past them. Anyway, Last week, me and the now former gf broke up. First three stages came pretty quickly...then came stage 4. The thing that brought on stage 4....a misfired text message. Basically I received a happy text that wasn't for me. Now, if I didn't know the situation (which also happened to be one of the things that helped spark a moral war that helped end the relationship) I would say that it was just going to a random person nothing to worry about. This time I knew exactly where it was going and the significance of that person. Now I have no disrespect towards that individual at all, it's just kinda annoying when you get a happy text and you start to think things are coming together....and it wasn't for you. That little thing brought forth a dream that did not help things. The dream was I got a text from the former gf basically saying she's staying where she is to give it a shot with this person. Now, if this was some time out...that wouldn't bother me, but the dream happened 6 days after and that begun my not so happy day of thinking too much. When your in stage 4, you start looking for signs of not so happy things in the past and all that. It's quite annoying. I think about how this whole thing started, I think about the weekend (birthday weekend) that was killed pretty much because of last week's events, I think about this week and having a pretty good idea of the events going on both up here and in Georgia and needless to say it make's me a bit  bitter and a bit hurt. Tack on being low on money, a job that keeps saying your hired and then never giving you updates on when the job's supposed to start, a crashing computer...a fixed computer with broke sound...then fixed sound with broke internet and a day where your cell phone's signal dies on you for a few hours mid conversation. Needless to say....the past 7 days have been quite quite undesirable. Moving on is never an easy task and feelings like this are going to happen. Personally I believe I've handled things quite well for being me. I hope that this doesn't kill whatever it is that we have left being friendship or whatever. I know I'll pull through as will she. For now, I'll spend the next few days transitioning to stage 5. I know eventually we'll want to see each other again once the dust finally settles and we can get to viewing each other as friends. I don't know if anything beyond friends will happen...but that question wont come up again until next summer. Until then I want us to keep talking somewhat and establish a friendship once this fallout passes. Thank you to everyone who read's this for understanding the need to vent.

For Every Beginning, there will be an End and for every End there is a New Beginning. Recently, myself and Kat mutually agreed to end a 2 year 3 month relationship for individual reasons. It's been quite a roller coaster of a ride, and a fun one at that, but at the end of the day all things must come to and end. Needless to say that we both had our work cut out for us at the very beginning. We met online over the dating site okcupid.com , fell in love quickly, moved to Ga (her college, the Savannah College of Art and Design was there and I followed) despite protests and went from there. The two years that followed was a growing period for us both. We came into the relationship as opposites, both wanting things to be a certain way and such. I started off as something of a traditionalist, somewhat closed minded individual and she was a non traditional, open minded girl. Needless to say, there's we're several small disagreements at the start of things...but we would eventually get around that and just be happy to be around each other. Time went on, things we're going good, and we started to kind of rub off on each other. I eventually became more open minded and she became more confident and willing to speak out. We did a lot of good for each other. As the beginning of our second year hit. I got laid off and ended up having to return home to Cincinnati, Oh to avoid dragging us both down with my bills. From there, we started to drift a little each day, even though I would never admit it I felt the same thing she was feeling...the feeling of falling out of love. Eventually on Aug 19, it all came to a head and we agreed that we'd be better of as friends.

Now as for the overall reasoning for this, I really don't have an answer. Myself and Kat are two different people with two different situations. Distance is a rough thing on it's own, but when you got one who can't stand distance and get's all anxious and worried all the time (myself) and another who wants to be free and independent and doesn't want to have to worry about the other constantly worrying (her), things are going to fall apart. When we talked the night before, I knew deep down how it was going to end. She needed freedom to focus on here school stuff, work stuff and just enjoy the feeling of independence, I needed freedom to get my head out of GA and focus on getting my life together without having to constantly worry about someone else. Yes there's always gonna be some worry but worrying as a friend and worrying as a boyfriend and two different things. As the days went by after the break up, I started to realize that we do make better friends than a couple. Not to say we didn't make a good couple but truth is we had to put way too much effort into it to make that work. As friends we are more comfortable and relaxed. Now I've asked myself what the chances are of us getting back together after she graduates. At first I thought, oh it's gonna happen and such. After thinking about it, I realized that the chances are actually pretty slim. Falling in love is easy, falling out of love is painful but it does happen quite often and easily. Now falling back in love with that same person is almost impossible. It's like trying to catch lightning in a bottle. No matter how many times it strikes, you can never seal it before it escapes.

This isn't all a bad thing though. We both now have the chance to do something that we never did at the beginning, be friends. We jumped into the relationship without thinking much and thus never during that time did we have the chance to be just friends. Now that we're getting that chance, we can both agree that it's not only for the best, but it's actually a lot more comfortable than being in a relationship. With this end will also mark a new beginning. For me personally, I have a chance to really re-evaluate myself and get my priorities straight. Eventually I know I'll be in some relationship again and I can take what I've learned from this one and apply it to that one. At the end of the day, I'm actually pretty happy with the way these past two years turned out and pretty content with how it ended, peaceful and still friends. Kat is a great person all around and makes for an outstanding friend and girlfriend. She deserves her happiness as do I and I'm sure eventually we'll find whatever it is that we're looking for. For now, it's time to move forward, for both of us and live our lives the best we can. I know as friends we'll do great and for me, that's all that matters. Thank you Kat for those two years and I look forward to many more years as friends.

It's December 26th, the day after Christmas. It's about 8:30am at my mom's house, my back is a little stiff from laying on the floor but all well, I'll deal. I roll over to wake up Kat who got to the soft couch before I did the previous night. We spend some time doing the cuddling thing, a lot like any other morning for the past year and half (For those not aware, I moved to Savannah, GA with this girl back on June of 2007 while she went to school. I moved back up because of a lack of job/income). I finally get up to go wake my brother and we leave mom's not to long there after. The air is dense and foggy, little chilly but a hell of a lot better than the beginning of the week. We get to my dad's place, drop off my brother and pick up her stuff. Taking separate cars, we leave out of there and arrive at a waffle house in northern Kentucky at about 10:30. Enjoyed a nice breakfast, talked about random stuff and all that. As we're leaving out, the air seemed to thicken a bit but nothing horrible. Temperature at this point is hovering around 40somthing at 11:15am or so. We hug and kiss each other and start driving towards the interstate. 4th Street in Covington Ky ends with a perfect split. I 71/75 North splits to the right and I 71/75 South Splits to the left. We drive side by side briefly, wave one last time and we take our separate paths. She heads south to Savannah, I head north back to Cincinnati..and with that..and a tear in my eye... somewhat ends of the best year and a half of my life. Two paths, once joined, split on different paths. She's off to follow her dream, I'm off to get my life rolling. I suspect we'll continue to be close, as friends if nothing else. I know each of us will date somebody else during this time period and I'm actually cool with it. The freedom's there and we'll enjoy it. Thank you for everything.

The moral of this story...at least for me is the fact that who knows what the future will hold for me, her, us or whatever but for now, it's time to focus on our own individual lives. I see this as both a sad and happy day. Sad for obvious reason yet happy that I've allowed not only myself but her to focus on the individual lives and the opportunity to enjoy individual freedom. For me, this is a new beginning, a new chapter in this twisted life of mine but I can't help to reflect on things of the past. I don't believe in dwelling on things but I do believe it's important to reflect upon the who's and what's brought you to this point in your life. I'm a very different person than I was just a couple years ago. I remember joining the army, surviving an extended stay in basic and developing something I never thought I would ever have..confidence...but I remained closed minded. Those who remember me from 2006-2007ish will remember me as this somewhat quiet yet spastic, slightly obsessive, overly anxious veteran dude. I know I've said and done things that have hurt people, annoyed people, angered people etc and for those things I'm sorry. That's the only time I'll say it. This past year and a half however was quite the eye opener for me. Moving down with somebody with little money and absolutely no real "real world" skills had quite the impact. I learned how to control a lot of my anxiety, learned to be open to new ideas and really learned how important space and freedom was. I learned how to adjust and adapt to unfavorable situations. Fact is, when your put into a position where every decision you make can directly affect someone close as well as your own living situation..it really changes the way you think about things. I can now budget, somewhat cook, and just relax (for those who know me well, that's a shocker). Now I look forward to this new year and for once, am quite optimistic about the future of things. It's time to hit the ground running..so lets roll.